Pregnancy + Infant Loss

I am 1 in 4

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

Over the span of years that I wrote my newspaper column Lipstick & Pearls, I published at least six articles centered on miscarriage and/or ectopic pregnancy, and at least six more where I mentioned the topics in broader context. On my old blog, I labeled 14 articles with a miscarriage tag, and 16 with an ectopic pregnancy tag. Once when I approached my former newspaper editor, Don, about whether I’d written on the topic too many times, he encouraged me to keep going…it was an important topic, he said.

And he was right.

He’s still right, all these years later.

I began my first loss in the spring of 2011. I say began, because it was an ectopic pregnancy that I don’t have an exact end date for. In reality, it was never going to be a viable pregnancy, but my doctor was so kind to my grieving heart and since I wasn’t in immediate danger, he allowed me to do bi-weekly and then weekly blood draws to make sure my numbers were going down rather than medication or surgery. It was a lengthy and painful process — both physically and emotionally — as a little more evidence of the loss left my body every day for weeks. We named this baby Hadley.

The second loss began Halloween morning about six months later. The shock and excruciating pain — even for a pregnancy that ended very early — left me stunned. The reality of yet another life leaving without being held made me weep often in the days to come, all while trying to hold it together for my two young daughters. We named this baby Elliott.

Thirteen years later, the pain isn’t fresh. I’ve come to terms with the losses. But the memories aren’t gone. There are times the physical pain I go through each month will make me recall 2011 like a gut punch, and of course there is October. Since 1988, the entire month has been set aside to remember pregnancy and infant loss. October 15th is the official day of remembrance. Each year, I’ll see graphics online with the “1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss” statistic front and center and think, “That’s me. I’m 1 in 4.” I’ll always be part of a group I never expected, nor asked, to be part of. 

But here I am.

From my first article on the subject to my last, I will still believe it’s important to embrace this deeply personal community. 

I will still believe it’s important to help those outside of this experience understand the grief is real.

I will still believe it’s important to spread the message that we are not alone.

And I will still believe that joining my voice to this awareness campaign is worth reliving the grief of those days for the desire to help someone else. This is in keeping with the hope of a portion of scripture that’s been connected to the memory of Hadley and Elliott since the beginning: 

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4¹)

My hope then was is in Christ. My hope today is in Christ.

May His peace be with you all. 

1. This portion of scripture is quoted from the New Living Translation. During this difficult season of my life, God was busy transforming my heart through the reading of His word. The first time I read through the Bible — around this same timeframe — I used the NLT. I still have it, cover worn, cracking and flaking, spine loose and floppy. After more years of study, I now recognize that in broader context, this passage is specifically speaking of sharing in the sufferings of Christ. However, from this time of loss, it is also seared into my heart as a mantra to comfort others in their grief, and I hope this essay will accomplish that desire.